The Right Foundation

For those of you interested, Julie and I felt that it might be helpful to give a short explanation concerning our confidence in pursuing marriage. We believe it is important to build a relationship on the right foundation. Although God is sovereign, there is still the element of human responsibility that must be exercised in seeking to be pleasing in the eyes of God. Julie and I believe that this human responsibility should be performed with the presupposition that the Bible is the word of God; that our every thought and action should be guided by the instructions which God has graciously left behind to us in the Bible. The pursuit of marriage is by no means an exception to this belief, and by the grace of God, Julie and I are building a foundation for marriage that is in accordance with God's word and honorable in the sight of God. We believe in a complementarian view of the marriage relationship, rather than the more modern egalitarian notion of marriage. By "complementarian" we mean to say that a husband and his wife fill specific roles according to God-assigned functions for each spouse. Our belief is in opposition to the more contemporary idea of "egalitarianism" that men and women are made to perform precisely the same roles with exactly the same potential. Julie and I believe that men are more equipped to do certain things while women, on the other hand, are more equipped to do other specific things that men are less qualified to do. For example, women have a tendency to be specially geared for caretaking, nurturing, and following, while men have a tendency to be specially geared for providing, leading, and instructing. It would be incorrect to say that these roles are never reversed, but the inclinations of men and women, if properly developed, fall into these respective categories. We see Biblical support for this in places like Genesis 2:20, where we are taught that man is not made to live properly without the aid of woman. The Hebrew language expresses the idea that women were created to be the suitable counterpart and help to men. It is equally fair to say that men are created to be the suitable counterpart and help to women. The condition for each of these statements is that a man and a woman help each other in different roles that they are more equipped to fill. This teaching in no way implies that women are less valued as human beings in the sight of God. We believe the Bible teaches that no person, whether male, female, poor, or rich, is to be treated unlovingly or degradingly by another person; God never intended for women to play less of a role in the world and to be treated as such, but He intended them to play a different role from that of men. From the initial creation of women, He made it very clear that women are to be "helpers" to men. The word "helper" does not mean or imply a slave, personal secretary, or anything of the sort. It simply means that men are not well-off by themselves; God, knowing this, gave men the wonderful gift of women to help them. Men need women, and, hypothetically speaking, if women had been created first, we think it is safe to say that women are not well-off by themselves either. The point we are trying to make is that the marriage relationship consists of the husband leading and the wife submitting to the leadership of her husband. Ephesians 5:22-25 is helpful on this issue:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. . .

The institution of marriage is, then, analogous to Christ and His bride, the Church. Just as the Church submits to Christ, so does the wife submit to her husband. Just as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her, so does the husband love his wife and give himself up for her. As Paul said, "Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church" (Ephesians 5:28-29). The husband is to care for his wife as his own body, leading her and protecting her in a way that is pleasing to God. The wife is to submit to her husband's leadership as he obeys Christ. There may be times when the wife disagrees with her husband (hopefully not too much!), but unless the husband's leading means falling into sin, the wife is to submit to her husband's God-appointed authority with a desire to please God. Julie and I both believe that this is the best and most satisfying way to live in a marriage relationship. Since we believe that what is best for us has been made known graciously by God through His Word, we trust the teachings of Scripture concerning marriage. And we are further encouraged by the testimony of Christian couples who live faithfully according to these Biblical patterns.

 

Similar Beliefs

We also believe that it is important to have similar beliefs in other areas. Julie and I were both pleasantly surprised to find that we agreed on almost every major and minor theological topic we could think of, eschatology (or end times) being the only exception as far as we know. During the span of around two months, we corresponded on every subject from covenant theology to childrearing. We wrote over 80 pages of email, equal to over 46,000 words and 250,000 strokes of the keyboard! Julie and I wouldn't say that the degree of our similarity is necessary in every couple's case, but it certainly makes things much easier. Theology drives the way every single person lives. Whatever a person believes about God determines the way he lives and the choices that he makes. If a person is an atheist, then he lives according to that type of theology. If a person is a deist or an agnostic, he lives according to those types of theologies as well. In the case of Julie and me, we have found that because our theologies match nicely, we are well-suited as a couple.

 

Personality

Similar theology isn't all that is to be desired. There are personality issues as well. We are thankful that our personalities seem to mesh together well. We both tend to be thoughtful, reflective, analytical, and sometimes just plain weird. We both tend to be on the introverted side. We both tend to be relatively in a good mood. Of course we would be lying to say that there weren't differences between us. In fact there are some differences in personality that are pretty substantial. Some of these differences are simply the result of my being a man and Julie being a woman. A man does not equal a woman; we now know this from personal experience! It has been truly a sanctifying experience from which we have both learned tremendously, and we are thankful for this, since through this time we have both been brought closer to our God and the realization of our need of His love and grace.

 

The Dilemma of the Internet

Some of you reading may know of the unusual circumstances surrounding our relationship, and although we do not believe that our long-distance relationship or the manner in which we met is inappropriate, we certainly cannot deny the reality of difficulties that we predicted and have now experienced due to our situation. We also realize that our friends and family may at some time have been concerned about the unconventional circumstances of our relationship. We believe that many of these concerns are justified, especially since there have been disastrous relationships that have been previously formed through the means of the internet. Further cause for concern is, of course, the abuse of the internet, which has provided yet another medium by which perverts and criminals may deceive other people with fraudulent acts of evil - internet vandalism, money scams, and sexual misconduct, just to name a few. Since these criminals have their own multi-billion dollar industry through the internet, it is not surprising that such malicious activity is so prevalent on the "internet super-highway." However, one must not forget that internet crime is simply another manifestation of the types of evil acts that are committed every day in the "real world" with which most of us are more comfortably accustomed. And while most of us are less familiar with the circumstances which underlie internet crime, one cannot conclude that the internet is necessarily less trustworthy than the real world.

Considering these things, Julie and I believe is that the internet is a legitimate place to conduct all types of business, to make travel reservations, to order pizza, to buy gifts, to stay in touch with family and friends, and in relevance to this little essay, to find a suitable marriage partner pleasing in the eyes of God. Julie and I do believe that relationships are more ideally initiated and formed through normal human contact, and our convictions about this belief have been further solidified by the wonderful yet trying experience of our internet-initiated relationship. However, we do not believe that God always uses ideal methods to bring about His desired plans. Scripture is saturated with such examples of God's sovereignty being executed through the most unlikely of methods. God appointed a young man named David to slay the giant Goliath with only a sling and a few choice stones; God appointed 300 men to defeat the vast and mighty Midianite army; God appointed Paul, one of the greatest persecutors of the Church, to become a preacher of the Gospel and lead thousands to the Christ he once blasphemed. These are just a few examples of the unlikely methods God used to accomplish His awesome purposes. And while Julie and I do not support the idea that we should make unusual methods the rule rather than the exception for desired ends, we also do not support the idea that people should completely avoid unusual methods in pursuit of desired ends. With prayer and complete submission to God and His Word, one may indeed find the will of God through unpredicted means.

 

Love is in the Air

Lastly, but certainly not least, we love each other. This is what our desire for marriage is all about. At the end of the day, the reason why we are pursuing marriage is simply because we love each other deeply. Our love has grown fast, but it is strong, because it has been nourished by our love for Christ and His word. There have been times when we have frustrated each other until steam is blasting out of our ears, but even then we know that we still love each other. And though I have made numerous attempts at defining this thing called love, I can only say that much of it is a mystery. I can find no explanation for it, except to say that it is a wonderful gift of God, and no one is able to experience it fully in its numerous forms until he conforms himself to the word of God. And so Julie and I aim to serve firstly and only Christ, since He is the author of all true happiness, and in doing this we believe that our marriage will have the greatest potential of being enjoyed as we serve one another. May God help us honor Him above all else. I love you sweetheart.